First Steps

Okay, so you have pulled yourself together and are working out a plan for your next move. What should that be?

Well first of all, you need to contact your ex and ask if she will be willing to let you see the children. It might feel demeaning to ask permission to see your own children, but swallow your pride and go for it. If you simply collected them from school for instance, she would call the police and they would arrive, remove the children and take them back to their mother*. I suggest you do this first contact in writing - email, text or old-fashioned letter. But whichever way you make contact, always, always keep copies. Don't make any accusations - remember, everything you say and do can and will be used as evidence against you in Court, so make sure you are squeaky clean in all your dealings.

Give it enough time for a reply to be received. If there is no response, ask again. Say something along the lines: 'It's not good for the children not to see both their parents; they must be upset because I am suddenly not around any more. Can we get together to discuss this?' 

Bear in mind that all of this takes time - time your children are not seeing you, time they are missing you, time they are missing your half of the family, grandparents, aunts, uncles cousins etc. The trick is in making contact without waiting too long before the next contact. I suggest if you send a text or email, wait a couple of days for a reply; probably no longer than 3 days. If you send a written letter via Royal Mail, I suggest you wait at least a week or ten days. Do the same with the second contact if there is no reply to the first.

If she replies positively, then all well and good. Choose a neutral place to meet - a quiet cafe somewhere perhaps. You can offer that she bring someone with her if she wants to, in case she feels uncomfortable. Such a meeting is not going to be easy. I suggest you record the meeting from a device in your pocket somewhere. You do not have to say you are recording it; just do it. You might not need it, but it is there if you do. I have known such meetings take place and then the allegations that have come afterwards seem like the two meeting are on different planets. If you have recorded it, then you will be protected.

The meeting is solely to discuss arrangements for the children - do not get into the whys and wherefores of her leaving; and don't make it about trying to get back together. Focus on the children having a relationship with you now that you are no longer together.

Whatever you agree, put it in writing there and then (go armed with pen and paper). If you can do so without appearing too controlling, both of you should sign it as an agreement you have both come to.

If you do not know what kind of arrangement will work, or what to suggest regarding contact for the children, you can put together a parenting plan. There are several available on the net, or if you want to see the one I use, which is very comprehensive and sadly out of print, then please contact me through my website leaving your email address and saying you would like a copy of the DCA parenting plan, I can then send it to you.

If, after the second attempt at contact, you still get no response, or the response is entirely negative, then you will need to take the next step.

Of course, none of this will be possible if you do not know where your ex and the children are. More on this in a later post.

*Disclaimer: While I have written as if it is always the father who has been removed from the children, be aware that this can happen to mothers too and is not a gender issue. It more often affects men, which is why I have written this way, but the advice can be applied for either mother or father.