Where do I go from here?

Of course, not everybody's situation is exactly the same as I described in my last post. But for many, that is the reality. For others, they were both aware that the relationship was not working and made the decision to separate. Arrangements for the children to spend time with both parents were discussed and agreed and life continues. But after a while, you notice that other things get in the way of your contact - a party, a football game, spending time at a friend's house, grandparents - there's always some excuse, until you realise you haven't seen your children for over a month and there is little prospect of anything changing.

You also begin to notice her attitude towards you is changing. If you have a new partner, jealousy often rears its head. Not that she wants to get back together with you, but neither does she want anyone else to have you. And, more importantly, she does not want to be 'replaced' by your new partner in the lives of 'her' children. Sometimes it is that she is the one with the new partner and you have become something of a nuisance. She knows you are the children's father, but why can't you just go away and stop bothering her? She would prefer to start afresh with 'her' children and the new partner.

Little by little, or sometimes all at once, your time with your children is eroded, until there is nothing left. What can you do?

Managing Expectations

1. There is no easy fix for the problems you are now facing
2. Things can - and probably will - get worse before they get better. In some cases, much worse.

The first thing to realise is that your relationship is OVER. Accept it. Get on with your life. And concentrate on being a good parent to your children. That might sound harsh, but it is the reality. There is, in all probability, no going back.

Secondly, there might be - and probably will be - some allegations made against you. Some of these might be utterly false; some might be half truths; others might be genuine. Domestic abuse is real and affects a great many people. The difficulty is in sorting out the fact from the fiction. You might even be arrested, depending on what is said and to whom.

Finding Support

Often, you are embarrassed, so you will keep things to yourself and internalise them. This can do more harm than good. You need to talk about what has happened. For the first few days after 'the event', you will be walking around in a thick fog. Your work will suffer. There is no shame in taking a day or two sick leave. On the other hand, keeping busy might be more what you need. But do go see your Boss and explain what has happened. He has a right to know why your work is under par - and believe me, it will be.

Talk to your friends and workmates. I don't mean bore them to tears with your woes, but you need to have some support. When you talk to others, you might be surprised to find others have been through the exact same thing.

Join a support group. You don't need to face this alone and so you don't alienate all your friends and family discussing your problems, you need to find others who have been there, done that. And there is a ready made group called Families Need Fathers, which has support groups all over the country. Here you will find other people who have worse situations than yours, making you feel that maybe yours is not so bad after all; and people whose situations are just starting; others who have been in and out of Court for years and still have no contact with their children. You do not have to join the organisation to be a member, but if you do, you can then have access to the FNF forum - invaluable for getting help and advice from people anywhere in the country, many of whom have been through the system and some of whom are now McKenzie Friends (more about these in a later post). The forum is especially useful if you do not have a meeting local to you or you can't attend for one reason or another.